I just don't know what to do with myself

Since a few days I learned that the neurologist can't do anything for me. He thought that my migraine is caused due to some sort of psychological stress. So he has sent me to the psychiatrist. This was both a relieve as that i made me very sad. Why? Because I got afraid that after some 6 years I might have another depression. I sleep badly, feel bad and so on.
Last night my girlfriend called me,like she knew that something was wrong with me. She encouraged me by referring to one of the letters of Nichiren Daishonin (gosho). It was the gosho "The difficulty of sustaining faith". Just hearing her voice and hearing her reading out loud this gosho made me cry. At first, because I felt I failed in my life. But after a while talking with her these tears became tears of joy. It made me realize how much she cares about me and how much she must love me. She is a really sweet girl.
She also encouraged me to get advice from one of the seniors in faith, like Mr. Kotera or one of the other seniors about this. She also remembered me that I have a gohonzon and that i should pray in front of it to use it as a means to overcome my problems before October 20th. To be honest, I was so low that I didn't even thought about that. Yes, even I can get into state of hell.
Anyways,for the next few weeks I have a daunting task.
Greetings,
André

Breaktru

Last week I got a breakthrough in my life. Actually, it were 2 breakthroughs.
First I was told by my job coach that my waiting time for a decant house or apartment was shortened by half a year. So by March of next year I should be able to finally move and for seconds, I learned that I will receive a Omimori Gohonzon. This is a small (travel) version of the Gohonzon (this is a mandala on which Nichiren Daishonin inscribed the essence of all life which is Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo).
For both things I was chanting for the last few years and to be honest, I almost forgot about it. Hopefully this also means that I get rit of my migraine attacks soon. I want to go to India by the end of this year and hopefully marry the girl I love. So I have to finish my Daimoku sheet fast and hopefully i can do another one before the prises of the airline tickets go ballistic. So I want to fulfill all of my targets and goals of this year. I just hope and pray that I find enough resources (money)to be able to fly to India. Also I pray very honestly that I can work some "overtime" on my free time. It is a means to finance the ticket.
Also I have a real struggle to keep of of the cigarettes these days. I promised my girl not to smoke but sometimes I just feel the urge to smoke. Especially when I feel stressed or under Pressure. These are times I really want a smoke. So it's very hard for my from time to time. If you ask me, it is better in these times besides chanting to give in to that urge and smoke a cigarette. I know it's a bad habit and it's unhealthy but it beats chemical medication to make you relax, which has from all things nicotine in it to relax you!!!
So I just keep praying that i can stay of the cigarettes which is very difficult. So far I failed on many occasions. But hey, I'm only human!!!
Stay healthy and take care for now
André

All the answers

For the last few days or weeks I feel very tense, restless and sleep very badly. I guess it comes through living in this house now for over 6 years. 6 Years of living in 2 very small rooms (7 m2 per room) starts taking its toll. Also having to put up with all the nonsense and still ongoing battle between the 2 newbies (Frenchies) and the rest of the residents finally shows off its bad results on me. For the details on that story, just read my last entry before this one.

The more I chant for peace and quiete in the house, the more intense the battles becomes. Even trying to having open dialogue amongst all of us without the landlord isn't possible with them at the moment. How much we (my other house mates and me) try, they just turn and walk away. So what to do when the other party is refusing dialogue to solve problems? Chanting for their happiness was the advice I got, but that is not enough. Especially when my work starts suffering under this small war. Only positive thing about is, that our landlord finally decided to have a negotiation talk with all of us.That will take place this Wednesday.

Like president Daisaku Ikeda once mentioned; "Only through having an open dialogue we can overcome our differences." I believe he is right in this.Without reasoning and open dialogue to overcome once differences, the only alternative left is destruction, grief and pain. This is under all circumstances not an option, I believe. By having dialogue you are able to understand each other. I really hope that the mediation of the landlord will have to desired effect we all want. Especially those who where already living here in the house before the newbies arrived. So lets wait and see what will happening the next days.

André

Friends will be friends

Since my last blog, a lot has happened in my life. After announcing at a combined Young men's and Men's meeting that I decided to be a Keibi at our National Cultural center for the next 5 years, I learned that the Keibi group was due to disbandment. Off course I heared this as a rumor earlier, but still it came as a shock to me that this actual happened. Especially because the weekend that I was Keibi and I heared this terrible news, I was celebrating my anniversary of being 5 years Keibi.

The reason that was given for the decision of disbandon the Keibi group was, that we had to less Keibis anymore and that most tasks forfilled by the Keibi group could be also done by the Byakuren and Sokahans. These tasks were manning the desk and answering the phone, opening and closing of the butsudan in the main Butsuma and providing secrity services during the weekends without any regards wether or not there was a course going on or not. Also another reason was that the fire department didn't clear the building for overnight stays of groups any longer.

That Sunday our national Womens Division leader came to me and asked me how I felt, so I told her. When she learned that I was 5 years Keibi, she asked me what I wished to most for except for the continuation of the Keibi group. I answered that it must be an omimori (travel) gohonzon. I also told her that I expressed this request to the secretary of SGI Netherlands, since he is also the keeper of our Cultural Center. She promised that she would make a plea for my wish to be granted, because in her opinion I had deserved one for my relentless efforts as a Keibi over the last 5 years. This story will be continued....

Then there is my ongoing struggle with the migraine attacks I've having. After a small period of not having any, I start suffering again from migraine attacks. Part due to stress in my personal life, part of having to proof myself again at my work. Then there is the fact that my neurologist can't seem any defined reason why I have these Migraine attacks. So I got new medication again which I have to try.

The personal stress is caused by some new guys who start living in the house I live in now. It's a kind of student house for working people. These guys are French and just don't want to adjust to the other inhabitants of the house. When they moved in, they complained the same evening about the noisiness in the house and they demanded that it would be quiet at 21.30 hrs. And this is still an ongoing battle ever since. I call it a battle, because the rest of us respect the house rules as put down by the landlord but they keep looking for reasons to complain. It makes for me very difficult to practice properly. I think most of the readers who are SGI members know how difficult the relation is between the French government and SGI France.

Since a few months I'm no longer the only practitioner of the Buddhism of Nichiren Daishonin. One of my house mates started also chanting. He is a German who at first was only interested and decided to try. He is my shakabuku and when possible we try to chant from time to time to together. So this is also becoming a bit more difficult because of the complains of these French guys. Till now we tried talking with them but till now without any result. It's very difficult to keep a dialogue going when the other party don't want to.

Then I learned last week that one of my Internet SGI friends suddenly passed away. This friend lived in West-Hollywood and wrote scrips for movies, television programs and was writing a screen play. She used to encourage me from time to time and showed me how to deal with various issues in life and the coherency with SGI Buddhism. I'm sure,knowing her, that she is discussing with Toda Sensei about the Gosho and Buddhism. She was a true Boddhistava of theearth. I'm sure that with me, a lot of SGI-USA members will miss her.
NMHRK, NMHRK, NMHRK,
André

I did it my way

On Tuesday May 20th 2008 my aunt Mieke finally passed away peacefully after a 2,5 year struggle with cancer. Last year I asked you all to chant for her, so she could prepare herself on the final battle of her life. I would like to express my warm feld thank you all for doing so. By chanting so massively for her health and finding peace with herself, she was able to pass away really quietly and peacefully.
By chanting for my aunt, it also reflected on her husband, children and grandchild. They found the strength to go on and support her in those very difficult times. Especially when she was due to pass away. My cousin told that when she was at her mother's side during the last hour, my aunt was being very peaceful and even managed to pass away in a very quite fashion without anyone noticing. I can only express my hope that you all remember her in the 4th silent prayer.
During my aunt's life she arranged most of her funeral details herself so when she would passed away, only the very last things would have to be arranged with the funeral company. Although this company tried to put their stamp on how thing should be done, the family stood firm and demanded that everything would be done according to what my aunt wished and what the family wanted. So this happened in the way the family dictated, not the way the funeral company tried to dictate. I find this a remarkable example of how strong chanting is. Even if other family members like cousins or family in the 3th degree practice, while you yourself are not practicing this Buddhism.
When I learned about the passing away of my aunt, I started to make preparations for a incense ceremony for a deceased person, by taking up contact with our National HQ at Zeist. Within my region we didn't had any experience with this, although I was a few times Keibi during such a ceremony.But this is different from having it yourself. By Friday and Saturday there where opportunities to pay last respect to my aunt for the family and on Saturday I was able to ask my cousin for permission to do this ceremony and at the same time convey the condolences of of my girlfriend. Since my aunt always was interested in many things, including all schools of Buddhism and the last few years also in Nichiren Buddhism, she told me to go along with this ceremony.
So this last Sunday, May 25th 2008, this incense ceremony was held at the main Butsuma in Zeist. It was supported by members of my District,chapter and region and conducted by caretaker of the Cultural Center. To me it was off course emotional and I feld very supported by my members. I'm sure my aunt loved the ceremony and the fact I organized this just to sent her a last farewell. So she will be protected by a high life state till she reincarnate and starts practicing Nichiren Buddhism or on her journey to the Eagle top to join the other Buddha's from past, present and future and all directions.
Nichiren states in the Gosho The heritage of the ultimate law of life:"“When the lives of these persons come to an end, they will be received into the hands of a thousand Buddhas, who will free them from all fear and keep them from falling into the evil paths of existence.”⁵ How can we possibly hold back our tears at the inexpressible joy of knowing that not just one or two, not just one hundred or two hundred, but as many as a thousand Buddhas will come to greet us with open arms!""
Knowing that my aunt at least had heard about Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo and also read about it convinces me that my aunt will at least reincarnate to be for fill her role as Bodhisattva of the Earth.
During the cremation ceremony today, my cousin told about my aunt's way of living. The way she stood in life, the way my cousin and her brother where brought up and the way my aunt dealed with her disease. My aunt was a firm believer of bringing up children as strong individuals who where capable of taking care of their lifes them selfs. This resulted often in heavy discussions at home. Often about the most small things. Like my cousin remembered,she wanted in the 1980's a pink sweater but at first my aunt refused to make it for her. When she finally agreed to do so she told my cousin that when she would wear it she would be on her own and this was not negotiable. So one a sunny day my aunt and cousin when to the nearby city and my cousin decided to take her coat off this resulted in....my aunt splitting and leaving my cousin fully on her own. My aunt kept her promise!
At the time off course my cousin thought off my aunt as a b*ch, but afterwards they could laugh about it. Although this was some years after this story happened. Also my cousin said she would miss was gossiping with my aunt about all of us. The other family members like brothers and sisters, the in-laws and the other cousins. Also some other aunts of mine shared their memories about my aunt. Also depicting a picture about my aunt and the way she was during life. Fair, open hearted, humorous, straight forward and lovable. Just the woman she really was.
Aunt Mieke you really did it YOUR way!!! I will always remember you for the wonderful person you where and I will always remember you in my prayers. That you may Rest In Peace.

Another brick in the wall

After the release of the movie Fitna, made by Mr. Wilders who is a member of the Dutch parlement, I was a bit shocked by the way of portraying Muslims in this movie. Mr. Wilders used old news footage like the famous 9/11 images in conjunction with verses of the Koran to"warn" the Dutch for the danger of Muslims. Like every Muslim would be a terrorist (happens to be that most terrorists now a day seems to be Muslim, but that doesn't mean that this is also the truth the other way around).
After the release Mr. Wilders announced to be ready to have dialogue with the general Dutch public. Including the Muslims who live in the Netherlands. But what happend? Mr. Wilders was invited to come in a tv-show to have dialogue with the audiance. He declined and sent a party member to tell in this show the official view of Mr.Wilders and the party. This party is called PVV, Partij Voor de Vrijheid (Party For Freedom). For those amongst you who are not knowing who Mr. Wilders is, Mr. Wilders is an extremist and anti-Muslim. I think you could qualify him as the kind of party leader like Adolf Hitler, Mussolini or any other right winged dictator history provided us.
This man really scares the hell out of me. Why? I can't give you a simple answer to that. Let's keep it to the fact that at least some people actualy learned from the past. When I hear this man speech, I get images of the movies The Wall (Pink Flloyd) and The Wave in my thoughts. I guess those who are old enough to remember those movies know what I'm talking about. We all have seen happening this before. In the past it where the Jews who had done it, now it's the Muslims, who's next? The Buddhists?
When people don't know their neighbors and don't know the culture of these people, it's very easy to see them as a danger to you. But when you start talking to them, respect them as a human being and see them as such, you often find out that other cultures are in many ways similar to ours. They believe in the same gods, have the same interests, are nice and friendly, love food in the same way as we do even discuss the same issues as we do. They are just like us and that is scary. People are people no matter what they believe in, look like or eat. It doesn't matter what color your skin is, underneath that skin we all look the same. Our blood is red and without skin all tissue is red and pink.
In my personal past I had Muslim, Jewish and Christian friends. We often discussed religion and we came to the same conclusion each and every time. No matter which Holy book we read or to who we prayed, God, Allah or Jaweh, They all are 1 and the same God we prayed to each day. Even our Holy books are, for most parts, the same. So why we say that we're so different? Our answer was fear for the other person. The other one looked funny, talked another language, ate other things or just didn't prayed in the same way as we did. But we all believed in the same God(s).
Yesterday evening I was watching the movie "wind talkers" about the Navajo code talkers who the military used during the 2nd WW in both the Pacific as in the European theater. At one point one of the code talkers is confronted by some redneck marine that he looks Japanese and that the only difference between being a good guy and being the ad guy was the uniform he wore. At first this Navajo is frustrated and angry about it but later he uses this point to the advantage of the marines when he saves them from friendly fire by imposing a Japanese soldier and by doing this, he's able to get to the radioset of the Japanese positions and directing the fire on to those positions. Thus saving his mates lives. After this his friend saves the same marine who discriminated earlier from being killed. This redneck marine changed his point of view after that. Telling that he was tought that killing Native-Americans wasn't a bad thing and that his grandfathers were payed to do so and that he feld ashamed of his ignorance. He simple didn't know better till he started to know some Native-Americans himself.
If one man can change his point of view by experiencing how the other is like, why can't we then? it only takes a friendly word and a well meant smile and some time to know each other. Once you know each others customs and way of living, even if we disagree on it, it's much easier to understand one another.
Think about it, Nichiren Daisonin, and before him Shakyamuni, told us the same things. When we are as one in mind, many in body we can truly live together as one big family.
Greetz,
André

Imagine

March 16th, 2008. The 50th anniversary of Kosen Rufu day. Within SGI also known as Day of Youth. Today 4,000 youth members of SGI Europe came together in Milan, Italy to celebrate this occasion and pledge to president Ikeda that we will take Kosen Rufu to the next level and make this world a better and more humane and peaceful world to live. Just like our predecessors did 50 years ago to 2nd president Toda. And this happened everywhere by youth members in the world at youth meetings!
Although I wanted to go to Milan and I chanted and worked really hard for it, I was not chosen to go. Then I decided to be Keibi in Zeist instead. But because of having serious side effects of my medications which I got to fight migraine, I couldn't be Keibi. At first I thought it was an obstacle but it turned out to be protection and fortune. Last week a house mate of me went along to a young mens division meeting and he liked it so much that he decided that he wanted to go to the March 16th meeting as well. Since I can't drive my car due to these side effects, he drove me to the meeting. The meeting was held at our regional leader who was just back from Japan where she had attended a course and met President Ikeda. So , she encouraged us with the spirit of president Ikeda. she also stressed the importance of the youth and this day. And why youth is so important. Youth is able to make the necessary changes in the world, in politics, in making the world more humane and more safe and peaceful. The world is ours to change.
Being at this meeting mend that there was also a piece of culture in the form of singing and poetry. Also there was so lovely foods and refreshments provided by the womens division. After the meeting the regional leader told me that she would sent me the answers she got to the questions I asked but that she sadly didn't got a reply to take back for my from president Ikeda. But, she said, president Ikeda sees and get more then 2,000 gifts and letters every day. He tries to read all letters but as you can understand it is difficult to read all and answer them all in time. So probably you won't get an answer or a reply or you'll get a short message via the Cultural center at Zeist. But that can take time. I told her last time I sent president Ikeda a letter, I got a short reply via the Cultural Center. But this time I keep on chanting to get a personal answer from president Ikeda. No matter how long it takes to get this answer to reach me.
NMHRK
André

Don't loose your head

For the last 2,5 weeks I have terrible migraine attacks. It all started after being Keibi in January. After coming home, I felt some headache which soon developed into a full mounted migraine attack. So I took some medication i once got from my doctor and went off to sleep. Hoping that it was gone the next morning and that i would be fit for work again.
When I woke up this attack started all over again and I had to call in that I wasn't coming for work that day. As happened for the days after. Normally a typical migraine attack takes approxable maximally 72 hrs, but this time it started every day over and over again. So I went to see my doctor and he prescribed some diazepam (a.k.a. Valium) to take together with the diclofenac I already had. After doing this for the next few attacks, I came to the conclusion it didn't work and went, again, to see my doctor. Now I got a see through letter to see a neurologist at my local hospital. I got an appointment for February 13th. And I hope he can help me.
The last time a had such sever attacks was in 2006. At that time the neurologist couldn't find any thing and since it seemed that diclofenac helped me, he decided to keep with that. I really pray to my Gohonzon that he can help me. Either with better medication or that he find the cause of my migraine. Which would be even better.
Not be able to work, means no pay which in turn means not ale to pay bills. Lucky for m, I'm living in the Netherlands where we have a good social system which provides us with money when falling ill or in case you loose your job. It only takes some weeks before you receive pay from welfare office. Especially when you working for an employment agency like I do. In that case they have to calculate what you've earn normally and then they pay you 70% of your regular pay.
The only thing I'm now praying for is that I be able to work again, since not able to do anything the last weeks but sleep isn't that great. Also having this week Carnaval, which is a huge catholic dress up party before they fast for 40 days till Easter, doesn't help. The company I work for this agency is closed for the whole week due to these festivities which end this Tuesday evening.
Fact is, that I'm now typing this with my screen at the darkest possible mode. Just to avoid headache. Although this doesn't really help. Still get the migraine attacks.
Greetings, (with headache)
André

I like to move it, move it.

Funny how things can happen. Last week I had planned to go to the monthly YMD meeting, when one of my friends called me on Thursday if I could help moving a member in Vught to her new location in Tilburg. Knowing that she had an accident a few weeks earlier, I decided that helping her relocate was more important to me then the YMD meeting.
So, last Saturday I went to my friend first to do some daimoku and gongyo before going to relocate our mutual friend to Tilburg. We just arrived when her father also arrived and we started to move things out and into the van and trailer. By 10.00 hrs we all left for Tilburg where a friend of one of her house mates already waited to help us move her into her room. After some organizing we had everything except a small couch and dishwasher on her room and we where by 12.00 hrs with our selfs. While my friend and I tried with the help of this other friend to get the couch 2 stories up, our lovely lady went to do some groceries. We got the dishwasher up but somehow this couch didn't want to get up the last floor. What ever we tried it just didn't go up. So after a call to her father we decided to put it somehow into a sort of storage till her father could pick it up. Luckily for her,one of her new house mates offered her the chance to put the couch on this house mates room. By the time it was 15.30 hrs we were finished moving her and my friend and I left for Vught again.
After some shopping in Vught we went to my friends place to drink something and I went back to my home. Since I was growing hungry, I decided to make a stop at the MacDrive in Veldhoven. I learned that it was redecorated and I wanted to check it out. If I had to grade it, it would have failed major time! No atmosphere left, no thinks that reminded you to the original theme, aviation. after all, this MacDrive is located near Eindhoven Airport. So next time I want to eat MacDonald's I think I stop at the MacDrive of Best, which has a lovely Rock 'n' Roll theme. Has a good and nice atmosphere and you have somethings to look at while eating your fries and burger.
Like Nichiren Daishonin once said; Invisible benefits give visible rewards. So lets hope and chant that I also find me a nice apartment or house for Kosen Rufu so my girlfriend can stay with me.
André

One piece at the time

First of all a very happy new year to all my readers.
Reflecting back on last year (2007) I must say that a lot has happened to me. First my girlfriend went back to India in February, I started working for a new gardening company, went to Trets as a Keibi again, making some new friends and spending Christmas and old years day alone with my parents and some house mates. And last but not least I turned 37. Still a whole life in front of me.
I also had not such a good start of the year. After going to the Cultural Center of SGINL for the New Years gongyo, which was awesome with some 150 attendants, I got a bad case of stomach flu. I will spare you all the unpleasant details. It also meant that I had to mis the new year reception of the chapter Eindhoven. Yes, chapter Eindhoven, since we are from January 1st a self contained chapter. And this date also called for a new region. Namely SGINL region Tilburg-Eindhoven-Limburg a.k.a. TEL.
My goals for this year are:

• Getting married with my girlfriend
• Making my own bussines to a great success
• Going both to Milan and Trets
• At least 3 new Gohonzon members in my district
• Finding a suitable house for Kosen Rufu
• Making this year's SGI theme to a great success
• Reconstructing the SGINL Cultural Center's garden to it's former glory

As you can see, it's a small list but one that is very ambitious. It shall involve a whole lot of daimoku to realize all those goals, but like President Ikeda always says: "nothing is impossible as long as you believe in it."
Have a good and dynamic year.
André